I am
three years old to this community. My first year was the stuff of which
rainbows and unicorns are made. It was magically amazing. I totally grasped
gift economy and wanted to give all of myself to all of you. My second year was
hard. I signed up for too much stuff, and I kinda wrecked myself in the process.
Being all things to all people failed. This, my third year, was meaningful and
eventful, yet reasonable. I realized I have been here long enough to allow myself
to be known quite deeply by some, and I feel comfortable just being me. I’m
starting to overcome my fears, to allow myself to set roots, for the first time
in my life.
My
Intention going into this weekend away from the default world: “Slay My Beast
of Fear.”
It was not an easy slaying. Fear
reared its ugly head this weekend. I realized what I am most afraid of is making
decisions that are not-quite-right-enough and cause me to lose people I care
about. I’m a subtle and diplomatic person in most of my life, which means I’m
not really the person wrecking shit in terrible ways. But I can still alienate
those I love without intention.
I had some great moments of connection and facing fear.
- Giggling is its own therapy in the face of trauma. EL, TPM, and ASC, thanks for making it happen.
- Being willing to be a little punchy, tired, and broken in front of people can allow for adorable connections, A&NC and KY.
- Sometimes
walking away from your comfort zone means literally wandering through a
thunderstorm a little lost and alone, but sometimes there is nothing else to be
said or done within your comfort zone, and the next step is putting yourself in the eye of the storm.
- I can dance to anything, especially with RIG. Stay there, and be with the music.
- Trust is falling asleep in the middle of all your friends, while they are laughing and talking. Friendship is recognizing that even if I’m tired and cranky, I’d still rather be up and with old friends and new friends, than alone and sleeping.
- Heavylifting, strenuous activity, creativity, and volunteering are some of the best ways to connect to and find my people. It’s also good for seeing those who tag out, don’t help, and aren’t my tribe-folk.
- Realizing what you built together feels like home is worth the aimless escapade through the woods which makes you want to return to that home.
- Old scenes which live through time and repeat themselves have so much value, AF& CR. "We all seem to need the help of someone else to mend that shelf of too many books."
- Being genuinely happy for people as they move on with their lives without you, in front of you, is one of the best gifts you can give and one of the most freeing experiences you can have.
- Recognizing which friendships you are unwilling to let fall by the wayside is super important. They are few and rare. Fight for them.
- Sometimes it takes incredible amounts of patience and discernment to have the new experience you are craving. Sometimes it doesn’t happen until dawn, the morning before people leave.
- The
return to minimalism after hedonism feels so good. Feeling at home in all
situations is a gift. We really can be the same people in all circumstances and beat to the same rhythm.
- Sometimes the people you miss will surprise you, so try to end on good terms with as many people as possible. The end may only be for a season.
- Purge that fear, and let it burn.
