Authenticity and Justice

So much of changing hearts and minds in the policy realm is about relating things in a personal way to people. Obviously, the first step in that is being willing to get a little real, to put yourself out there and be willing to connect to people, uncomfortable as it may be.

Messaging which pulls at heart strings is the science of effective civil rights campaigns. The research is there. I felt very motivated to be authentic and have some harder conversations post Trayvon Martin and post the Texas reproductive rights debacle, knowing a little vulnerability could go a long way. It felt good to speak from my own experience, and people responded well. 

Authenticity is most productive when done correctly. It is not simply word vomit at people. These past few weeks have taught me a lot about existential authenticity as responsibility to be transparent about one’s own role in every situation, which is so vastly different from the perspective that authenticity is being transparent about one’s feelings and desires. Sometimes our feelings and desires are inauthentic when lined up next to reality. They are based on refusal to acknowledge who we choose to be or the roles we merely accept, instead of utilizing our voice and choice. It takes integrity and commitment to fully engage and assess, how did I land myself at this point in my life and what steps should I take from here? But with that level of authenticity comes autonomy and clarity to make choices which make us feel more fulfilled. It’s quite endlessly freeing. It makes justice on any level seem feasible.

It’s why we dress in orange and cheer when we know the opposition will still vote terrible policy into law. Because simply the use of our authentic voice, about what this policy does to women, has power. It has a ripple effect. New campaigning will happen in this state, recognizing there is a progressive presence. Judicial review will poke holes in the improperly conducted legislative process. We are, ever so slowly, putting a dent in creating a more just, loving, equal world for ourselves and for others.       

Travels with My Community

I am three years old to this community. My first year was the stuff of which rainbows and unicorns are made. It was magically amazing. I totally grasped gift economy and wanted to give all of myself to all of you. My second year was hard. I signed up for too much stuff, and I kinda wrecked myself in the process. Being all things to all people failed. This, my third year, was meaningful and eventful, yet reasonable. I realized I have been here long enough to allow myself to be known quite deeply by some, and I feel comfortable just being me. I’m starting to overcome my fears, to allow myself to set roots, for the first time in my life.

My Intention going into this weekend away from the default world: “Slay My Beast of Fear.”

It was not an easy slaying. Fear reared its ugly head this weekend. I realized what I am most afraid of is making decisions that are not-quite-right-enough and cause me to lose people I care about. I’m a subtle and diplomatic person in most of my life, which means I’m not really the person wrecking shit in terrible ways. But I can still alienate those I love without intention.

I had some great moments of connection and facing fear.

• Giggling is its own therapy in the face of trauma. EL, TPM, and ASC, thanks for making it happen.
• Being willing to be a little punchy, tired, and broken in front of people can allow for adorable connections, A&NC and KY.
• Sometimes walking away from your comfort zone means literally wandering through a thunderstorm a little lost and alone, but sometimes there is nothing else to be said or done within your comfort zone, and the next step is putting yourself in the eye of the storm.
  
  
  
  
  
• I can dance to anything, especially with RIG. Stay there, and be with the music.
• Trust is falling asleep in the middle of all your friends, while they are laughing and talking. Friendship is recognizing that even if I’m tired and cranky, I’d still rather be up and with old friends and new friends, than alone and sleeping.
• Heavylifting, strenuous activity, creativity, and volunteering are some of the best ways to connect to and find my people. It’s also good for seeing those who tag out, don’t help, and aren’t my tribe-folk.
• Realizing what you built together feels like home is worth the aimless escapade through the woods which makes you want to return to that home.
• Old scenes which live through time and repeat themselves have so much value, AF& CR. "We all seem to need the help of someone else to mend that shelf of too many books."
• Being genuinely happy for people as they move on with their lives without you, in front of you, is one of the best gifts you can give and one of the most freeing experiences you can have.
• Recognizing which friendships you are unwilling to let fall by the wayside is super important. They are few and rare. Fight for them.
• Sometimes it takes incredible amounts of patience and discernment to have the new experience you are craving. Sometimes it doesn’t happen until dawn, the morning before people leave.
• The return to minimalism after hedonism feels so good. Feeling at home in all situations is a gift. We really can be the same people in all circumstances and beat to the same rhythm.
• Sometimes the people you miss will surprise you, so try to end on good terms with as many people as possible. The end may only be for a season.
• Purge that fear, and let it burn.

Letting Go of Expectations

Starting off a morning with a fresh round of meditation and yoga just does something for you, doesn’t it?

Things that were totally insurmountable seem attainable.

Productivity is possible.

The air seems fresher.

Distractions are diminished.

Discord and conflict kind of melt away.

Okay, maybe that’s just me, in a state of glorious hippie. Toss in some hula hooping, and I have a pretty rockstar day ahead.

There is something to this, though, this idea of centering the mind and refreshing the body to have more energy. Also, Buddhism teaches us to shed expectations, to approach the world with more neutrality. Meditative practices and exercises can result in a more graceful flow to the day generally.

Currently I have been on a quest to have fewer needs, to remove disappointment as a factor in my life. The key expectation I had to shed was to stop expecting to please people. Do the best you can, and remind yourself you did what time, ability, and other circumstances allowed, and don’t be attached to someone else’s result of satisfaction.  

 

My Happy List

An exercise in happiness I hear a lot of my friends discuss recently is how to be present with nine happy things in the midst of anything you find stressful or worth complaining about. I hope to make it a habit, but in this particularly uncertain time, when my restless cacophony is clanging loudly, I thought I’d give it my first attempt. This website explains how to be present and do this exercise effectively.  

 

So what I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for the smell of coffee in the morning.
2. I am thankful to live in a city I love with people I love, who make Austin the first place I have ever considered setting roots.
3. I am thankful my immediate family is in my life, and I get to watch my niece grow up.  
4. I am thankful that I date a cuddly man. Physical affection is his love language, and it is the most de-stressing thing ever to be around a man who is totally content to just curl up next to me and is certain he would rather be by my side than anywhere else.
5. I am thankful I have intellectually stimulating options of ways to spend my time always. I am never bored.
6. I am thankful for a cat who thinks I’m great no matter what I do and sometimes just purrs when I walk into a room for no other reason than she feels happy and safe in her environment.
7. I am thankful that I get to work outside and with horses, while still totally putting my degrees to use. I have the unicorn job.
8. I am thankful that I am spiritually enriched so easily. Slow breaths, sex, sunshine, hula hooping, horseback riding, dancing, etc all make my internal stress diminish and my sense of interconnectedness and wonder through movement replace it.
9. I am thankful to have a clean, comfortable apartment with a duck pond a couple yards away.

So my tiny little stressor of 10) time management feels a little more okay knowing how much joy there is my life. Well, it's not quite that simple, but I am going to get this list going in my brain's thought rotation. And as always, joy will win out.

Trust & Goldilocksing the Shit Out of Life

I am someone who tries to “Goldilocks the shit out of” everything. I try to get life “just right,” not too anything, applying enough analysis for each facet of my life to be perfectly balanced and in harmony with all the rest of it. It’s one of my forms of geekery. What is the emotionally healthiest way forward? I treat it like it is a puzzle, to make sure my pieces of happy align with each other. 

Look at that over-Goldilocksing bitch.

People have a simpler phrasing for what I just described. I over-analyze. Yep, that’s also accurate.

The closest we can get to Goldilocksing the shit of life is to:

1) acknowledge we will fail at it frequently,

2) accept a certain level of failure gracefully,

3) continue the dialogue about how to better next time after failure,

4) return to shared values again, and

5) do the hard work of re-building trust.

This is my favorite quote about how to do this little dance right now: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou <----That, from the same author of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Wow.

I will concede that complaining beyond a certain point is unproductive. However,

·         as long as the immediate solution is fuzzy at best,

·         as long as evidence that the situation will get better is lacking (and evidence gathering often just takes time), and

·         as long as there is no prevention strategy for the future,

communication is still productive and necessary.

Halting the trust building process is the fastest way to lose folks by making them run somewhere they can more easily trust. As a former chronic bolter with trust issues, I know. I so appreciate those rare gems in the world, trying to mindful and vocal about solutions. It’s how we at least attempt to Goldilocks the shit out of life again, when we acknowledge “yes, this porridge is too hot or too cold,” and then start the work of finding solutions, returning to shared valued, and re-building.

Weeding out Complication

Sometimes happiness keeps it simple. It is simply *not* one clear thing/person/aspect of your life. No matter how hard you try to make the *not* thing a part of your happiness, how much you try to make it fit into your life, it seems extremely difficult to find a healthy and good place for it in your world. Maybe you should accept the subtle hints telling you this is *not* it.

It’s okay that no amount of flexibility or hard work can make it switch from *not* to *yes, please*. In its void, things can blossom anew. That’s how weeding works, right?

Today, I signed up for a dance gym and violin lessons. Over the course of the last month, I signed up for a book club and online yoga. I am going back to school in a week. I am making more time for friends. I am writing so many grant proposals at work. These are all new things in my garden of happiness.

So, new things, bloom in the void please, okay? I am trying to take the hints. Don’t just stay empty over there. I crave life and energy in that space.